The Unburdened Heart

The Unburdened HeartSuzanne Eller has written a book that’s a must-read for everyone struggling with forgiveness—everyone whose heart is burdened by the wrongs that have been done to him or her. We’ve all suffered at the hands of others, and Suzie acknowledges that. In fact, she knows all about that, having endured much in her life that she needed to forgive. Suzie is very open about her own journey and very understanding about the difficulty of the process of forgiving. Through her own stories, others’ stories, and her conversational, come-alongside-you-like-a-best-friend prose, she walks with the reader through every part of the journey. She also includes several questions at the end of each chapter to help the reader work through forgiveness in her own life.  Have you been wounded in the past and aren’t sure why you should even consider forgiving your offender? Suzie covers this topic too, showing readers how forgiveness is not primarily for the benefit of the offender but so that we can move on. I highly recommend this book that has become influential in my own journey to forgiveness.

Purchase your copy of The Unburdened Heart from the Proverbs 31 Ministries Store here or from Amazon.com here.

*I received no compensation for this review other than a free copy of the book.

Forgiving Others

This is the second devotion in a three-part series on forgiveness. If you have not already done so, you might find it helpful to read the first part, Forgiveness: What It Is, What It Isn’t. Part three in the series can be found here.

Here’s where the rubber meets the road. We’ve learned what forgiveness means and what it doesn’t mean. We now need to look at how forgiving looks in our relationships with others. Of course, we’ll also look at what forgiveness doesn’t mean, because again, there are some very common misconceptions we need to overcome.

First, though, I’d like to share a story about forgiveness. It perfectly illustrates much of what we’re going to talk about today.

The story involves my son Kenny and his favorite toy at the time: his wooden train set. Kenny had a huge set of wooden trains, tracks, and various accessories. He liked to spread them out all over creation, building intricate layouts that covered more square miles than a real city. One day, he had created a metropolis in the highly-trafficked area between our master bedroom, bathroom, computer room, and guest room. His sisters were off in another part of the house playing a game that apparently involved lots of running around and giggling. I was sitting at the computer working a few feet away from Kenny when I heard Lindsey’s running footsteps getting closer. She darted into the room and right into the middle of Kenny’s train set, stopped, looked both ways, then ran back the other way.

“Hey! You stepped on my toy!” Kenny called after her.

She didn’t hear him. She was already on the way back to her own game.

Kenny waited briefly for her response, but there was none. So he called after her, “I forgive you!” and went back to his trains.

That, precious mom, is the nature of forgiveness. It involves knowing an offense has been committed, knowing that therefore, forgiveness is needed, and deciding to grant that forgiveness whether or not the offender even knows he or she needs it.

True, this is different from the forgiveness God offers, which comes only after sincere repentance. He forgives this way because His completely righteous, holy nature demands that sin be paid for. It’s His nature—and His job description—to require payment for sin. But it’s not our nature. And it’s not our job.

When we choose to forgive those who don’t deserve it, we reflect His nature and bring Him glory. Forgiveness for us does not and should not come only after payment has been made. We do not say to others, “You have adequately paid for your sin; therefore, I forgive you.” Instead, we say, as Kenny did, “You have offended me. But I forgive you, which means I choose not to punish you for what you did. And I do that so that I can move on.”

I want us to look at those two things today: what it means (and doesn’t mean) to forgive but not punish; and how we move on.

We’ve already talked about how it’s not our job to punish. Most of us would agree with that, at least in theory. But if we are not to punish the offender, does that mean we must seek an intimate relationship with the offender? Does it mean we need to act towards the offender as if he or she had never offended us? Not necessarily. For some offenses, yes. But for others, absolutely not.

For example, if I invite my best friend to come have lunch with me, and she accidentally steps on my foot on her way into the house, then yes, I need to let it go and not let it affect our level of intimacy. If my child forgets to put her bicycle away, that shouldn’t affect our level of closeness.

On the other hand, if—may God forbid!—someone were to molest one of my children, I would NOT seek intimacy with that person. I would NOT continue as if the violation had never happened. Instead, I would put safeguards in place for the rest of the offender’s life so that the offender could never hurt my child again.

So the first thing forgiveness doesn’t mean in terms of our relationships with others is that we don’t necessarily have to act as if nothing ever happened. Some offenses are simply too awful; some are ongoing, and we may need to erect boundaries, not for the purpose of punishing the offender, but for the purpose of protecting ourselves and our loved ones.

Another thing forgiveness doesn’t mean is that it doesn’t necessarily come as a response to the other person’s asking for forgiveness. Sometimes, your offender might truly repent and desire your forgiveness. Many other times, the offender might feel mere remorse, or perhaps not even that. The offender might not acknowledge the offense, or might deny that it was as bad as it was. But forgiving doesn’t mean you have to wait for that person to see the offense as God sees it. You can admit—completely independent of whether the offender agrees with you or not—that you have been sinned against. You can even admit how bad it was. After all, God knows how bad it was. You can agree with Him in this.

Now, let’s talk about what forgiveness does mean. We’ve said before that forgiveness means deciding not to punish the offender. That includes verbal comments, which means no snide or sarcastic remarks to or about the offender. These comments reflect bitterness in our hearts, which means we haven’t truly forgiven—we’re still holding onto at least a little bit of the idea that “he/she owes me something.” No deliberately excluding the offender from places you would normally invite him or her, unless that is necessary for protection. No rehashing the offense over and over in your mind or to others so they can be angry with you about how bad it was. Granted, there are times you will need to seek counsel or simply comfort from others when someone has offended you. But there is a difference between talking about the offense for the purpose of receiving comfort and talking for the purpose of stirring up your emotions so that you can feel righteously (or unrighteously) angry.

Forgiveness also means leaving the door open for a restored relationship as much as that might be possible. As we’ve said, there are some situations where that won’t be possible or desirable. But there are many other situations where if the person were truly to repent and demonstrate a changed heart, some degree of restoration might be possible.

One more thing that forgiveness isn’t—at least not necessarily. It may not be a one-time action. Forgiveness may very well be a repeated action. Every time the offense comes to our mind, we must continue to choose forgiveness and refuse to punish or to dwell on angry thoughts. That doesn’t mean we must forget what happened. It means we shouldn’t stew about it. We shouldn’t let it take control of our thoughts until it’s all we can think about, or until it begins to grow into bitterness. We must constantly and consistently choose forgiveness every time we remember the offense, and that may be hundreds or even thousands of times. Forgiveness isn’t easy. It always costs the one who chooses to forgive. It costs your “right” to punish, to demand recompense from the offender. It costs your thought life and your emotional energy.

With such a high cost, then, why bother forgiving? Because it’s even harder on you not to forgive. Continuing to hang on to the offense will cost your mind, heart, and emotions, but at a much higher level than forgiveness. To the degree that you have not forgiven, you will be stuck at that point until you do forgive. And if the offense is truly that bad, that’s not a point at which you want to be stuck.

God doesn’t tell us to forgive so that the offender can “get away with something”. The offender will not get away; he or she will one day answer to God for any offense against you. Rather, He tells us to forgive so that we can heal. He is the Great Physician, and He knows exactly what is necessary to heal a broken heart. He knows how to release us from the painful chains binding us to what happened to us. When we’re stuck, knowing we should forgive but not being able to, He’ll even help us do it. He’ll help us make that decision. And as we crawl into His lap and the hurt begins to flow away, He’ll hold us close and whisper words of comfort. I’m here. I will heal you. One day, you will be whole.

Psalm 71:20-21—You will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.

Forgiveness: What it Is, What it Isn’t

This devotion is the first in a three-part series on forgiveness. Part two can be found here. Part three can be found here.

Forgiveness. For many of us, merely reading this word stirs our emotions. We well remember the offense (or perhaps repeated offenses) that happened, making forgiveness necessary, and the pain of those doesn’t easily subside. Or perhaps the offenses are our own, and we can’t seem to escape the constant awareness of our guilt.

We know the Bible commands us to forgive; we just don’t see how it’s possible to truly let go of what happened. What do we do with the pain and the memories? How can we forgive something we’ll never forget?

They are important questions, and to some of us, the answers matter very deeply. We’ve experienced incredible pain that left its mark on our souls, or perhaps is still leaving marks. We desperately need to know how to live with what hurts so terribly without being destroyed by it. We’ve been told that forgiveness will help us move on. But we don’t know how to forgive, or whether we even can.

In this three-part series, we’ll look at forgiveness. This week, we’ll examine what forgiveness is—and what it isn’t. Next week, we’ll explore how to forgive others, especially when their offenses against us have been immense or are still ongoing. Finally, we’ll learn how to forgive ourselves for things we wish we’d never done, whether we did them by intention or by terrible mistake.

It will be a difficult journey. But the reward for truly learning to forgive will be freedom and healing. Will you walk with me as we begin?

If we want to cook supper, we first need to decide what we’re going to make. Then we’ll know what steps we need to take to prepare it. That’s why we’re going to look first at what forgiveness means. We want to know the end result. Then we can study how to get there.

Let’s take the analogy a bit further. Let’s say we know we want to make a cake, but we’re not sure what kind to make. We might eliminate the first several options we consider: no, I don’t want a German chocolate cake, a vanilla cake, or a strawberry cake. I know—I want a pineapple upside-down cake!

In the same way, we’re first going to discuss what forgiveness isn’t before we talk about what forgiveness is. We want to get some very common misconceptions out of the way so we’re not trying to accomplish something we were never meant to put into place. For example, most of us have probably heard the phrase “forgive and forget”. But that’s not a biblical command. That’s right; the phrase “forgive and forget” does not appear anywhere in the Bible. It’s impossible deliberately to erase memories that have haunted us. We might come to a point where we don’t think about them as often, but we haven’t forgotten them. Fortunately, forgiveness doesn’t mean that we have to forget something happened.

“Wait a minute,” someone might say. “What about that verse that says God removes our sins as far as the east is from the west?” The Bible does, indeed, say that. But that doesn’t mean that God forgets our offenses ever occurred. In fact, His decree that we need His Son directly depends on the fact that He knows we’ve sinned. Even after we’re saved, He doesn’t forget what our sins have been. He well remembers why we need Jesus. Removing our sins means that He relegates them to somewhere they can’t condemn us anymore. If His forgiveness doesn’t mean He forgets, then ours doesn’t have to, either. We can’t forgive “better” than God.

Forgiveness also isn’t saying that the offense really didn’t matter, or that what the person did was okay. What the person did was not okay. It was sin, and sin is never okay. When God forgives us in Christ, He doesn’t say that what we did was just fine. If it were, we wouldn’t need a Savior. Only seeing an offense as unjustifiable can make forgiveness necessary.

One final thing that forgiveness isn’t, is that it isn’t saying that we weren’t hurt by the offense. We don’t have to pretend that the person’s sin (whether someone else’s or our own) had no effect on us. In fact, we must acknowledge the depth of our hurt if we are to truly heal from it. God, of course, doesn’t need to heal, but He does acknowledge the depth of pain our sins have caused Him. Jesus broke down and wept at one point over how Jerusalem had turned from God. He quite clearly demonstrated God’s broken heart over our pain. Likewise, it’s okay for us to admit that we’ve been deeply hurt. It isn’t a sign that we are super-spiritual if we act as if we weren’t hurt; it’s a sign of denial.

Now that we know what forgiveness isn’t, let’s talk about what it is. The simplest way to explain what forgiveness is, is to say it this way: forgiveness means choosing to stop trying to make the person pay for the hurt they have caused you. It’s accepting the fact that you now have pain to live with, but refusing to punish the other person for what he or she has done. It means that you will give up your “rights” to punish the other person, and let God handle the situation.

For example, let’s say that someone steals a precious toy from my son, Kenny. What do I want Kenny to do? Do I want him to find his playmate and pummel him? Do I want Kenny to determine an appropriate punishment and then go administer it? Of course not. I want him to come to me and let me tell him what should be done. In that situation, I would try to help Kenny think about what happened and come up with an appropriate way for him to handle it. I might even help him address it. I would never tell him to go punish the other child himself.

Likewise, when someone commits an offense against us, we should bring it to God. God may direct us to do something to help resolve the situation, such as talk to the person. But He will never tell us to go punish the person ourselves. In other words, He tells us to forgive.

He doesn’t say, “Pretend it never happened.” Nor does He say, “That was no big deal,” or, “That didn’t hurt you.” He simply says, “Okay, you reported it to me. Here’s your part in how to handle it. Let me take care of the rest.”

For most of us, the thought of giving up our rights makes us feel vulnerable. Unprotected. Afraid. But we are never stronger than when we fling ourselves into God’s arms and feel His powerful embrace. We are not unprotected or unsafe. Almighty God Himself holds us close to His heart. He is more than willing—because He loves us—and able—because He’s Almighty God—to do the right thing in our lives. But we’ll never find that out until we try Him.

Let’s think about this for a week and ask God to let it sink deep into our minds and hearts. Let’s ask Him to grant us the grace and willingness to trust Him instead of ourselves. We’ll come back together next week to look at what forgiveness looks like in our relationships with others—and, of course, what it doesn’t look like.

I’ll see you then.

1 Peter 2:23—When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.

When I Return

It had been a crazy morning. My husband was sleeping in, having been on call the night before and spent most of the night working. My middle daughter, Lindsey, was sick and needed to stay home from preschool. I was about to walk out the door to take Kenny and Jessica to preschool.

I knew that my husband probably needed a couple more hours of sleep. So I said to Ellie and Lindsey, “Girls, your daddy needs to sleep. I need to take the kids to school. What I need for both of you to do is to stay here and be quiet until I get back. Just watch TV, and don’t wake up Daddy unless there’s an emergency.”

There. That just about covered it, except for one thing. “Ellie,” I added, “if there are any arguments, or anything goes wrong between you two, just let it go. Let Lindsey win the argument if you have to, and I’ll settle things when I get back.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Ellie said.

I knew I was asking Ellie to do a hard thing. As I closed the door behind us, I hoped that she would do what I’d asked.

And I realized that what I was asking her to do is the same thing God asks us to do.

We’re to try to get along with each other until His Son returns. If we can’t, then let things go. Know that He will return, and be confident that He will make all things right in the end.

It sounds simple. And it is. But it’s not easy.

When someone wrongs us, we don’t want to let it go. We want things to be right now. Why should we have to bear with injustice? Don’t we have the right to insist that other people treat us rightly?

Granted, there are some offenses that cannot and should not be overlooked. Certain wrongdoing or conflict should result in punishment and consequences, or at least a serious discussion.

But most of what we get angry or upset about isn’t worth the emotional energy we put into it. Most of it really doesn’t matter. Many things that we bring up to others in an attempt to get them to act “right” could probably equally well be left unsaid.

When something does matter, it is right to attempt to resolve the issue with the other person involved. Many times, this approach settles the issue. But sometimes, it doesn’t. What will we do then? Will we let ourselves become incensed and bitter? Will we keep the issue alive until the other party sees things our way?

Or will we let it go, and let Jesus settle things when He returns?

It’s hard to let people’s real or perceived sins against us go by the wayside without some sort of recompense to ourselves. It can feel like we’re being taken advantage of, or letting people “get away with” something.

But none of us truly gets away with anything. Someday, we’ll all answer for what we’ve done. That person who offended you will answer for it. She may not answer today, when you want her to. But she will answer—to God Himself.

So do your best to get along with others. When conflict can’t be successfully resolved, consider just letting it go. It’ll be taken care of at the right time, by God Himself.

Our Father will settle it when Jesus returns.

1 Peter 4:8—Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

Romans 12:18—If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

Catch Kenny

My children are often great playmates. They have their squabbles sometimes, but usually, they play well together. Sometimes, I can even leave them in the front part of the house playing while I get work accomplished in another part of the house.

It was on one such day that I heard the kids trying to decide what to play. Lindsey, who loves hide-and-seek, was trying to convince Ellie to join her. “Count, Ellie,” Lindsey urged.

“No, we have to catch Kenny,” Ellie answered. (The rooms in part of our house form a circle, and the kids enjoy chasing each other around and around.)

“Come on, count, Ellie. We’re playing hide-and-seek,” Lindsey insisted.

“No,” Ellie said, “We’re playing ‘Catch Kenny’.”

Ellie and Lindsey’s dilemma was simple. They had to agree on what to play. Until then, they wouldn’t be able to play together at all.

We adults face the same problem, don’t we? We know that we want to work together, but we can’t agree on how to get there. All we know is that we don’t want to do it the way the other person suggested.

In Ellie and Lindsey’s case, if they had been unable to reach an agreement, they could have gone their separate ways, and it wouldn’t really have mattered all that much. In the adult world, the consequences of failing to work together are sometimes much more serious.

Take, for example, a married couple. The husband and wife both want a good marriage, but they can’t agree on who should do what in order to make that come about. They argue, each trying to convince the other to do things his or her way. But if they fail to reach an agreement and go their separate ways, the consequences are disaster for them and their children.

Or what about trying to run a church? One group wants to use some of the revenue to build a new facility. Another group wants to use that same money for outreach. Who’s right? Perhaps both. Both of them have the same goal of reaching unbelievers for Jesus. Nonetheless, if the groups can’t agree, there will be consequences. At the very least, the money will sit in the bank accomplishing nothing. At the worst, people will turn against one another and wound each other, and the cause of Christ will be made to look petty.

It takes generosity, unselfishness, and humility to be able to work together well. Humility isn’t easy for most of us. We’d much rather convince people to our way of thinking than go over to theirs. So we continue to argue about what we’re supposed to be doing, and no one is willing to compromise.

In Ellie and Lindsey’s case, they were able to reach a resolution before there were any hurt feelings on either side. Lindsey agreed to play what Ellie wanted her to play, and the problem was solved. I suggest that we as adults learn from the way Lindsey handled the situation. She was willing to concede so that she and her sister could play together. Being together with her sister was more important to her than allowing the disagreement to continue. Getting her way didn’t matter. What mattered to her was reaching the goal of playing together.

If only we adults could be like that more often. So many of our petty squabbles could easily be resolved if one of us would just be willing to do things the other person’s way. What’s more important to us—having things the way we want them, or reaching the goal together?

Maybe there’s some area in which you’ve been arguing with someone about the way to accomplish something. Is it possible that you need to let the other person have his or her way? Ask God to show you what you need to do in order to achieve the greater good of reaching the goal together with that other person. Ask Him to produce the fruits of His Spirit in you as you handle the situation. You’ll find that handling it His way leads to far greater satisfaction than getting what you want but not acting in love.

Galatians 5:22-23—But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

Leave it Alone

When supper was almost ready, I called the kids to the table. As my husband and I were putting the finishing touches on the meal in the kitchen, I heard Ellie playing with something I had already set out. I don’t remember what it was anymore; I just remember hearing the noise and realizing she shouldn’t be playing with it.

“Ellie, don’t play with that,” I said.

She stopped, and I went back to my supper preparations.

Moments later, I heard the same sound. This time, I knew it wasn’t Ellie playing, because I heard her saying, “Kenny, Mommy said not to play with that.”

That might have been helpful, were it not for her tone of voice, which was rather snooty.

“Kenny, leave it alone!” Ellie commanded in the same superior tone.

I turned to my husband, who was in the kitchen with me, and said, “She doesn’t care if Kenny’s obeying me. She just doesn’t want him to be able to touch it because she wasn’t allowed to mess with it.”

We often feel the same way, don’t we?

Our demand for someone to change his or her actions is motivated not by a desire to see that person experience the spiritual benefits of living in conformity to God’s holy will, but by the idea that “if I can’t do that, I don’t want that person to be able to do it, either.” We are more grieved at the possibility that someone else might be able to enjoy something we are not permitted than at the certainty that the person is not right in his or her relationship with God.

I’ll use myself for an example.

One temptation I deal with on a fairly consistent basis is the temptation to speed when I drive. I know that I shouldn’t because God has commanded me to obey the laws of the government, but sometimes, I really wish that I didn’t have to obey those laws. Despite my desire to make my own determination as to how fast I will go, I watch my speed carefully because I know it is the right thing to do.

When someone speeds past me on the highway doing about ninety-five miles per hour, however, the true desires of my heart are revealed. How? In my annoyance at the speeder.

At those times, I’m not thinking, “That person is breaking God’s law, and I am concerned at the fact that he is damaging his relationship with God by sinning.” No, I’m thinking, “That person is breaking God’s law, and if I have to obey it, he should, too.”

Sounds kind of like the older brother in the story of the prodigal son, doesn’t it?

When the prodigal son returned, the older brother was angry at his father for throwing a party. His reaction, if I may paraphrase it, was, “I’ve spent all these years being a dutiful, obedient son; my brother spent years openly doing what he knew he shouldn’t be doing; and he is the one who gets a party?”

The older brother wasn’t concerned about whether or not the younger brother was obeying God’s law and their father’s wishes. He was infuriated at the thought that the younger brother was “getting away with” something.

Friend, what are your motives for wanting someone to obey?

Is your desire to see them walk in closer relationship to God? Or is it because you believe that if you have to toe the line, they should, too?

The first motivation is the one God wants us to have. It arises out of love for others.

The second motivation is the one Satan tempts us to have. It arises out of love for self.

If I truly love my brother, I will want him to obey for his own benefit.

It I love only myself, I will want my brother to obey for my benefit—so that I don’t have to be the only one enduring the discipline of obedience, or the only one “missing out”.

The next time you find yourself demanding that your brother—or sister—change his or her conduct, stop and ask yourself what your motives are. Better yet, ask God to reveal your motives to you. Are you truly concerned about your brother? Have you even thought about your sister’s welfare? Or do you merely want to make sure that someone else toes the line like you do?

Then, ask yourself what your motives are for obeying God. Do you obey out of a love relationship with Him, or do you obey out of a sterile sense of duty?

May God grant you and me the spiritual insight to know the answer, and the divine grace of an ever-deepening relationship with Him.

Psalm 119:167—I obey your statutes, for I love them greatly.

Deuteronomy 11:1—Love the LORD your God and keep his requirements, his decrees, his laws and his commands always. [emphasis mine]