What Moms Can Learn from Moses

220px-Rembrandt_-_Moses_with_the_Ten_Commandments_-_Google_Art_ProjectYou would think that of all the people depicted in the Bible, the moms would be the ones who could best understand our frustrations as mothers. That’s probably why there are so many books titled something like, “Moms of the Bible.” We’re supposed to read about moms and learn from them. Be inspired by them, even.

All of that is well and good. But lately, I’ve come to think that the Biblical personage who could best understand a mom’s frustration is Moses.

Moses was a father, but not a mother. He wasn’t even a woman. How could he be the one who best understands moms?

Consider his words to God for yourself, and see whether you agree that he understands:

“Why have you made this so hard? What have I done wrong for you to burden me with these people? They keep complaining. I can’t deal with them all by myself. It’s too hard! If this is how you’re going to treat me, then if you love me at all, kill me now, so I don’t have to deal with this anymore!”

I kid you not! That’s what Moses said. (You can look up the full passage in Numbers 11:11-15.)

Yet we also know that Moses is the only human being ever to have seen God’s face (see Exodus 33:11 below).

That means there is hope for you and me, moms. We don’t have to be some kind of super-spiritual Christian in order to have a close relationship with God. Intimacy with Him is possible for anyone who desires it—even for us!

I’m not saying that our emotions are always righteous (far from it!). What I’m saying is that if we do what Moses did, we can still have precious intimacy with God, even though we’re not perfect.

What did Moses do? He talked to God about what he thought and how he felt. He didn’t just stuff his feelings down, or try to deal with them in his own strength. He admitted he needed God, and he begged God for help.

But Moses didn’t just come to God when he needed something. He came to God often. He loved God with his whole heart, and he maintained that relationship all the time, not just when he wanted to ask God to do the genie thing and pop out of a bottle and rescue him.

Moms, did you realize you can bring your thoughts, emotions, and frustrations to God? Moses did, and God didn’t zap him to death. Instead, He helped him. God’s not going to zap you either when you come before Him honestly and pour out your heart. He will help you—not condemn you.

So take a cue from Moses. Seek a relationship with Him always, even when things are going well. And when something comes up, admit what you think and how you feel and pour your heart out to God.

Doing so won’t prevent you from experiencing intimacy with Him. In fact, it’s necessary for intimacy to happen. You have to share your heart.

Exodus 33:11—The LORD would speak to Moses face to face, as a man speaks with his friend. (NIV)

S-t-u-p-i-d

This past February, when I was realllly pregnant (I know they say you’re either pregnant or you’re not, but I think when you are 9 months pregnant, you are realllly pregnant), my sister came down from Michigan to visit us and to be here for my baby shower. I absolutely loved having her here. She is one of my best friends, and she’s lots of fun. We always have a blast when we’re together.

We have many similarities not only in our physical appearance but in our senses of humor, our beliefs about certain things, and so forth. Of course, we also have some differences, and one of these is that Kristen will occasionally use a curse word. However, when she’s in my home, she voluntarily makes an effort not to do so. This visit, she’d been doing great in avoiding what my kids and I call “bad words”. So as we sat chatting in the living room, she said, pleased, “I don’t think I’ve used any bad words at all.”

“Nope. You’ve been doing great,” I said.

And from her position next to me on the couch, Ellie piped up into the conversation, “Mommy said a bad word once.”

“Huh?” I said, and the look on my face must have shown that I didn’t know what Ellie was talking about.

“Oh, really?” Kristen said gleefully at the same time. “What did Mommy say?”

Ellie glanced at me. She knows you’re not supposed to repeat bad words.

“It’s okay,” I said to her. “You can say what I said.”

Ellie glanced from me to Kristen and back to me.

“Really,” I said, curious to find out what bad word I had supposedly said. “You can repeat it.”

Ellie looked at Kristen and said, as if she felt embarrassed on my behalf, “She said ‘s-t-u-p-i-d’.”

Yep, she spelled it. She was unwilling to say such a bad word out loud. So she spelled it, then looked at me, hoping I wasn’t mad.

Kristen and I burst into laughter. “That’s it?” Kristen asked, disappointed.

I must have called something “stupid”—I absolutely never use that word to refer to a person, because it’s insulting, demeaning, and totally unnecessary to use it in that way. I really don’t remember the incident Ellie was referring to and therefore don’t know what exactly I said.

What I do know is that my word choice stuck with Ellie. Even when it was no big deal to me, it mattered to her. I don’t know how long it had been since the time I used that word, but apparently Ellie still remembered it.

What this tells me is that I better be careful and intentional about the words I use on a daily basis.

I can’t afford to be careless or unintentional in my speech to my children. They will remember the words I’ve said—maybe not the “clean your room” words, but at least the words they considered bad. And when those words are directed at them, they may remember for a very long time.

That’s not to say that kids remember every mistake we’ve made. They don’t (thank God). Nor does every carelessly spoken word lead to their being scarred for life (thank God again). But knowing that our words can have an impact we don’t necessarily intend, we must do our best to make sure we are purposefully uplifting in our speech, especially to our children. We must.

Moms, if someone were to ask our children what bad words we had said lately, would our children have to work very hard to come up with a response?

Would they recall curse words? Would they recall insults directed at them or even at that driver in front of us? Would they remember that we shouted or rolled our eyes as we spoke? Would they remember a tone of disgust where there shouldn’t have been one? Would they be able to tell others about the times we used our words (even unintentionally) to discourage or belittle them or their efforts?

I pray the answer is no, both in your family and in mine. The old saying “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” simply isn’t true. Words, even those that aren’t specifically insults, have tremendous power to uplift or to tear down. Even when our words aren’t directed at them, our children’s consciences can be wounded by hearing us speak rudely to the clerk at the grocery store, talk about someone behind her back, or disrespect our husband.

I once heard it said that if you wouldn’t want to stand up in front of your church on Sunday morning and tell them you did something, you shouldn’t do it at all (the obvious exceptions being those things that are legitimately private). This is a great rule, and it applies to words too. If you wouldn’t want to tell others what you said and the tone with which you said it, you shouldn’t have said it to your children either

But I’m not perfect, you might be thinking. I make mistakes all the time.

We all do. Sometimes, we get things wrong. We wound our children when we don’t mean to. You’re not alone.

But because that’s true—that we’re imperfect and guaranteed to mess up sometimes—we owe it to our children to do everything within our power to make sure those times are as few and far between as possible. We should give our children the best we have, not just whatever words happen to come out of our mouths without much thought.

Most of us recently spent a lot of time trying to decide what to get our kids for Christmas, purchasing the chosen items, wrapping them, and placing them under the tree. Shouldn’t we spend just as much time—actually, far more—in purposefully speaking to our children pleasant words that will create a peaceful, secure, and loving atmosphere in our home?

After all, most of the Christmas presents will soon go by the wayside. But the gift of our consistently loving speech will never be forgotten.

Proverbs 15:4—Kind words bring life, but cruel words crush your spirit. (GNT)

Proverbs 16:24— Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. (NIV)

Colossians 4:6—Be gracious in your speech. The goal is to bring out the best in others in a conversation, not put them down, not cut them out. (MSG)

Blame the Elephant

One of my son Timmy’s favorite toys is a blue elephant. It has a plush head and a crinkly body. Each of its arms and legs (well, since it’s an elephant, I guess all four appendages are legs, but two of them look like arms) ends in a bumpy plastic piece that’s apparently a lot of fun to chew on. The only problem was that the elephant was quite floppy, and sometimes Timmy had trouble getting it into his mouth in exactly the right position to chew on whatever part of it he had in mind.

Such was the case one particular morning. Timmy was crinkling that elephant’s body and trying to mash it into his face somehow, and apparently it was not going well. Timmy was making these grunting, growling noises (I couldn’t help thinking of a dog worrying a bone). Eventually, he got frustrated enough that he began crying and letting out little screams.

“What’s the matter with Timmy?” one of his sisters asked.

“He’s getting really mad at the elephant because he can’t chew on it the way he wants to,” I said.

Of course, Timmy wasn’t mad at the elephant, exactly. He was mad about the situation in general. Being mad at the elephant would have made as much sense as…well, as the way we moms act sometimes.

Some of us are masters at blaming others for “making” us feel a certain way. We tell our kids they made us mad. We tell our husband he made us feel unloved. We tell people they made us feel embarrassed, or insignificant, or stupid. To listen to us tell it, our feelings are all other people’s fault.

The problem with a statement like that is that it’s a lie.

No one else is responsible for our feelings. No one else makes us feel a certain way. Our kids didn’t irritate us. They argued with each other, and we chose to become irritated about it. Our husband didn’t upset us. He failed to compliment us, and we responded by becoming upset.

Well, what else was I supposed to feel in a certain situation? you ask. If my child disobeys for the thousandth time, what else would I feel but mad?

Answer: anything you want.

You see, you are the one who has the power to determine your feelings. Not your kids, not your husband, not your friends. Not even strangers. Nobody else but you.

How do I know this is true? Because Jesus did it.

But I’m not Jesus!

Granted. And I’m not either. But remember that one reason Jesus came was to show us not what only God could do on His own, but what He could do through human beings if they relied completely on Him and let Him determine their actions and reactions.

Saying that you can’t react any differently when people offend you is like saying the God in you isn’t big enough to change you, and that’s a lie. God is big enough, powerful enough, and wise enough to do anything. He can certainly change your heart. He can teach you new ways to respond to others. He can make you, in the area of your emotions, a picture of His loving grace instead of your own selfish desire to require others to treat you rightly so that you never have to think about forgiving or turning the other cheek.

But first, you have to admit that you have a choice as to how you react to others. You have to acknowledge that you can choose.

It’s hard sometimes. Believe me; I know. I have been deeply offended and wounded at times in my life. But I can choose how I respond to those wounds. I can either allow others’ wrong treatment of me to determine my emotional responses and get me stuck in bitterness and negativity, or I can admit that with God’s help, I’m free to choose another response that will bring emotional life instead of death.

I know which one I want to choose, though I have to admit I don’t always do it. It would be much easier to blame others for the way I feel. But the only thing I can blame them for is their words and actions. I have to blame me for my response.

I need to grow in this area. Perhaps you do too. So let’s pray for each other to be willing to accept the responsibility for our reactions and then to turn to God for help to make our responses what they should be. Because without Him, we simply can’t do it. But with Him, we can.

Philippians 4:13—I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Proverbs 3:7-8— Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones.

Fresh

Recently, I sat on a park bench, watching Lindsey play on the swings. The air was cool but not cold; the sun was shining its warmth upon me; and everything glistened from the raindrops left over from the night before. It was a beautiful morning.

The word that came to my mind was fresh. That’s how the morning felt—fresh, clean, and new.

I also have a newborn son. Timothy was born three weeks ago. Although it’s already hard to remember what life was like without him, we are still just getting to know him. Each day, we get more clues to his delightful personality. But as far as we know now, he could grow up to be anything. He could express his personality in a number of unique, charming ways.

Anything seems possible.

Sometimes, it’s easy to see possibilities. We look at the weather or a situation or a person and see only potential. Other times, we see only the negative. When Lindsey and I arrived at the park, I could have thought to myself (or even said out loud), What a wet, nasty day. Instead of a precious little boy, I could look at my son and see only the myriad diaper changes and the amount of time I’m “tied down” feeding him. Same weather—same child—but different attitude.

What makes the difference? Perspective.

With most things in life, especially the smaller things, the difference between a positive or negative attitude is simply a matter of perspective. We can look at a person or situation and focus on what we perceive to be the negative aspects, or we can focus on the positive. The rain left on the ground at the park? It could have been negative—something that messed up the place we wanted to play—or, as I took it, positive, making everything glisten.

Unfortunately, I don’t always choose a positive perspective in the face of things I don’t like. I sometimes focus so intently on the negative qualities of my situation that the positive ones just don’t seem to matter much. But I want to do better. Why? Three reasons.

First, it’s what God wants. We’re mistaken if we think He’s pleased when we decide to see a glass as half-empty when all it would take to see it as half-full is a shift in perspective. I’m not suggesting we all become Pollyannas and deny our negative feelings about something. But I am recommending that we take those negative feelings to God and ask Him to help us deal with them.

Second, when I have a positive perspective in a situation, it indicates that I know God can and will see me through. No situation or person I encounter is too big for God to be able to use in a positive way in my life. Often, it would be fairly easy to find something positive to concentrate on if we were just willing to look—especially if we remember that God is present with us in our circumstances and will take care of us.

Third, a negative perspective rarely makes me happy. I get far more peace from focusing on the good aspects of a situation than on the bad and from remembering to seek God in my situation rather than just grumble. So why do I spend my time complaining about something or someone? Good question.

Perhaps there is a situation or person in your life right now that you need to find something positive in. Again, I’m not suggesting that you deny the negative, but rather that you find something positive in the situation and think about that rather than about the part you don’t like (which may very well be legitimate). If you can’t find anything good to consider, ask God to help you.

Your strong-willed child who has difficulty obeying you the first time you give instructions? Perhaps the positive is that you know his strong will is going to help him stand against peer pressure. You may still have to discipline his behavior, but now at least you have found something positive to partially relieve your emotions and make things a little bit easier on yourself.

Your husband who isn’t as emotional with you as you would like him to be? Perhaps you could see him as calm and steady, qualities that are of extreme value in the storms of life. You may still decide to respectfully discuss the issue with him, but at least you won’t be doing it from a completely negative mindset.

On what situation or person in your life do you need a fresh perspective? What difference might it make if you could begin to acknowledge and think about the positive? Will you do it?

Proverbs 15:15—All the days of the afflicted are evil, but the cheerful of heart has a continual feast.

That’s Nice

Remember how, before kids, showering used to be a private activity? As in, if anybody wanted your attention, they often just waited until you came out?

Not anymore. My kids figure that if they can get the door open (which often happens, because even with the lock on, one door still doesn’t shut properly), it’s as good as a direct invitation to please come in.

One morning, I was standing in the shower, trying to enjoy a little peace and quiet, and hoping the steam would clear up some of my congestion. I had been suffering from significant congestion and allergies for a few days, and since I was pregnant, I couldn’t take any medications that would actually work. So I was hoping that if I breathed the steam, that would help unclog my sinuses. There I was—breathing steam—when I heard running feet, and the door burst open.

“Mommy,” Ellie said breathlessly, “Daddy said I could play games on the back computer!”

“That’s nice,” I said unenthusiastically, meaning both “I’m sick and I don’t really care”, as well as “Why are you telling me this?”

Ellie left, heading for the back computer, which is only a couple yards away from the bathroom. “Daddy,” I heard her say happily, “Mommy said, ‘That’s nice.’”

In her sweet, excited voice, she was putting a positive spin on my comment, as if I had been excited for her and said something encouraging.

I should have, I thought. I could have been excited for her, instead of focusing on myself. Fortunately, however, she didn’t seem to have noticed my negativity.

On the heels of that realization came another, this one in the form of a question: Do I put a positive spin on what others say to me, or do I interpret people’s comments negatively?

In this case, if Ellie had heard negativity in my voice, she would have been right. It was probably only her youth and inexperience that prevented her from hearing what was surely there. I, in my…ahem…slightly older youth, have more experience interpreting people’s words and tones, and hearing the meaning behind them. I probably wouldn’t have missed it, had someone said something similar to me.

But do I tend to assume that my interpretation is correct? I’m not infallible. And if I accept that as true, then I must accept the fact that sometimes, I may be wrong. I may misinterpret what someone has said and put a different spin on it than what he or she intended.

I tend to assume that I have heard and interpreted correctly—that is, that what I thought I heard was actually what was present. I then react. Sometimes, this means that I become offended. Sometimes, I get angry. Sometimes I get disgusted. I’m pretty good at keeping control of my tongue, so I may not say anything, but I think these things. And I set it up in my mind so that the person in question should apologize to me.

All this…and yet I might have been wrong.

Do you know what I mean? Do you ever do this, too?

Here are some ways you can tell: is there a person or people in your life who often tells you that they didn’t mean things the way you took them? When someone tells you they meant something differently, do you believe them? Do you tend to be a black-and-white thinker—a person who sees things as either right or wrong, meaning that someone is always right and someone always wrong?

The answers to these questions will help you evaluate whether or not you tend to hear people positively or negatively. But I suspect that even before you read the questions, you knew the answer. We are usually well aware of whether we tend to quickly judge people’s meaning or to give them the benefit of the doubt. As you read this devotional, you may have heard a still, small Voice whispering, “That’s you.”

I know I heard that Voice.

Maybe we should all be more like Ellie.

I’m not suggesting that we ignore the wisdom we have gained through experience in relating to and interpreting others. I’m just suggesting that we consider putting a positive spin on things. Even if we’re wrong, and the person really did mean something negative, so what? What would it hurt to take the comment at its best possible interpretation instead of the worst, even if the worst is accurate?

Think about it. And as you do, remember that only God sees human hearts and minds accurately 100% of the time. So for one thing, we are not qualified to be perfect judges. For another thing…which brings more peace and joy: looking for the bad in someone’s meaning to make sure we are accurate, or giving them the benefit of the doubt?

1 Peter 4:8—Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

Angry Mom

I saw Angry Mom the other day in the refrigerated foods section at Wal-Mart.

I was heading for the juice, and she and her two children were already standing there. As she stood there weighing the merits of different brands, her daughter stood near the cart. Her son, about ten years old, rolled around nearby on those roller-sneakers—you know, those tennis shoes that have wheels in the bottom. He wasn’t really getting in anybody’s way or causing a nuisance, until…

“Ouch!” Angry Mom shouted. “Watch out! Those things hurt!”

I don’t remember whether the boy mumbled some sort of apology. I think he did. What I do remember next is how after that, the boy couldn’t do anything right. In the less than sixty seconds that I was standing there choosing two kinds of juice to buy, she snapped at him two or three more times. It looked to me like it wasn’t a matter of him really doing anything wrong, but rather of her still being mad that he ran into her with his sneaker-skates. Now, everything he did made her mad.

The tone of her voice was harsh and disgusted. Demeaning. Standing there staring at the juice, trying to pretend that I wasn’t listening (I couldn’t help but hear her), I cringed inside. I knew her words, her tone, and her attitude that now-nothing-you-do-is-right had to be wounding his spirit. And inside, I cringed for the tender boy that surely still lived inside a ten-year-old body.

Then it hit me, like a punch to my stomach. Her voice was mine. Her child was mine. Her words, tone, and attitude were mine.

You see, I’ve been there.

I’ve been her.

I’ve wounded my child with my responses to childish mistakes or accidents. I’ve indicated with my tone of voice that I was disgusted with my child. I’ve shown by my words that my child had screwed up so badly, nothing they could do would be right for awhile.

I felt sick.

Soon, the mom and her children wheeled their cart away, and I was alone by the juice with my thoughts and my guilt. I realized that for a few moments, I had condemned the mother’s actions (rightly so) without realizing that they were my own.

As I pushed my cart down the side aisle, I encountered the family again. I first noticed them because the mother was raising her voice. “Isabel!”

Isabel was coming in my direction, while the mother and son were further away from me.

“Isabel!”

You know, I thought, I bet she chose the name ‘Isabel’ because she thought it was the most beautiful name she could think of. Yet listen to how she calls it now. “Isabel!” No beauty. She’s shouting that name like it’s an ugly name. Yet once she spoke it because it was beautiful.

Oh, friends, have you been there, too? Not in the side aisle at Wal-Mart, but in the same situation that mother was in, where maybe you were having a bad day anyway, and one of your children pushed one of your buttons, and you snapped? And after that, you couldn’t get yourself back under control? And you heard the ugliness and unfairness in your voice, but it felt like you couldn’t stop yourself?

If you have, take a minute right now and confess your sins to God. Confess the way you’ve treated your children. You may even need to confess the way you’ve judged other mothers for things that you have done yourself.

Ask your children to forgive you, too. Humbly asking forgiveness can go a long way toward healing a child’s wounded spirit.

Then, spend some time meditating on how God treats you. When you run into him with your sneaker-skates, does he yell at you and then pick disgustedly on everything you do? Does he call your name as if it’s devoid of all the beauty he used to think it had?

Of course not. Our God is amazingly, perfectly loving. He loves us even when we’ve messed up. Even when we have done something wrong, he always treats us with love and dignity.

Determine that you will do the same. That you won’t become Angry Mom just because your child has annoyed you. Remember their delicate little spirits. Thank God for his love, and show the same love to your children.

Matthew 7:3-5—Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

1 John 3:1—How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!